morning drfts...
I commute a lot. Frequently for around 30mins to an hour.There is the daily journey to office, the twice weekly trips to the eastern side of singapore for ballet. So, really, if i were to do the sums, i think i might be spending about 15 to 20% of my life getting from pointA to pointB (aren't we all?)
And it gladens my heart to know that i think a lot when i am on the mrt. Lots of thoughts fo through my mind. Its like a journey of epiphany. Just this morning,was a very good one. I started thinking about something like, why do i always feel so shit in the morning? Such as, sometimes, i wake up feeling so empty inside that i wished i'd never been born. I wake up and the first thing that creeps into my mind is not "allelujah, this is going to be a great day!" but rather, sighs, "its another day". I use to ask my friends, what keeps them going. I still ask myself this, because other then the desire to not be late for work, nothing really spurs me out of bed.
I was born a catholic. divorced parents somehow don't make very good spokesperson for the religion that they brought me into so i stopped attending mass. Then in my teens, i was lured to a christian church with the hopes of making more friends. Don't we all get lonely? Don't we all seek companionship sometimes? Of course back then, i was utterly convinced that i was there because I want to know god. Maybe so. Did i find him? After almost 2 years of being a christian, i stopped.
There is something called The Alpha course going on during Friday lunch hour. They even provide lunch, free. So i attended some of them due partly to peer pressure and partly out of nostalgia. One of the things i remember people, or at least someone saying is that, being a christian, turning to christ takes that away the emptiness inside. That didn't work for me. Christianity never answered my questions, it just made me blind to things around me. I think faith is blind. Its the sort of unfounded trust you place in something -- thats faith. Christians will beg to differ and quote you scriptures, Hebrew something.
Last week, the Alpha course was talking about asking God for stuff. And somehow, despite having been a catholic and christian, i don't seem to identify with that. Brooding upon this, i conclude that i have simply stopped asking for things. For a few reasons -- you don't get everything you ask for. You may get it later,out of sheer coincidence or hard work. Christians view that as god-given and that god hears us. But seriously, there is also a very high chance that it is somehting you will get even without prayers? Its unfair if God, grants only christians what they want, right?
On miraculous works which indicate that there is a god. I have my own way of thinking this out. Partly due to influences from my brother. I belief that Consciousness is a very powerful thing. The mind is powerful. There is latent, untapped power within. And when people focus, meditate, come in groups to do the same and want something very badly, this collective consciousness will make things happen. I say this from experience, and its somehow, an inate and intuitive rational for me. Be careful what you wish for is something i have learnt from this. Because upon reflection, i realised that the something which is happening now, was what i wanted 2 years ago. And sometimes, its not what you want anymore. This has occurred a couple of times to freak me out. Oh and if u try hard enough, at least for me, i could change my menstral cycles too! haha... it has happened 2 or 3 times, i don't know...
Coincidence is not just coincidence. I think Coincidence is a big word. People think its something random and talk about it in such a flippant, dismiss it all manner but i don't.
I think these were my morning thoughts for today.
By the way, this was written on the 25th oct. it was just a moody day for me. don't know why.
Labels: life
posted by eline @ 8:04 PM
Comments: 0
