Everyday, about 10,000 neurons die per brain. These are daily crumbs falling out of my head. These are Rantings. This is a tribute to my favorite instant noodles -- Chu Qian Yi Ding, which I always miss dearly when I am away from home.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
passing on
My grandmother passed away this morning. Like what my brother said, its good that she is no longer suffering. I agree too. But when the reality sinks in and you realized that she is gone, its a totally different kind of feeling. While uncles and aunts are overwhelmed with grief, it seemed that i was the one left to be the bearer of such news. Since I could still speak in a coherent sentence without bursting in tears. Its funny that i left a voice message for an aunt in english and realised later that she doesn't understand english. Than i found out that I got the number wrong!
When someone dies, you can hear the their last breath. The whizzing sound.
When you don't want to cry, just look ahead, look up and blink back the tears. don't start crying cos once you do, you probably can't stop.
The traditional chinese buddhist wake is so complicating. I was lost. Didn't know what was really happening. And then i also realised that in the family, i was of the lowest "rank". Up front will be the sons, followed by daughters, than children of the sons, followed by children of daughters. I belonged to the last class. I stood right at the back. sighs... males always come first.
its one of those times when i feel like i am getting out of control. or rather out of proportion. I can feel the flabs appearing even on my back. My colleague notices my undefined arms -- they were never that defined to begin with. So, i have a plan. Healthy eating and exercise and exercise of course! Now i am not only going to run, i am going to do crunches and such.
Healthy eating. I was at the supermarket when i decided to get some yogurt. I read somewhere that its much better the get the plain ones cos you can add the fruits yourself. Less sugar and more healthy. That was exactly what I did. I bought the yogurt along with bananas... came home, mixed the 2 together. and yucks. like really yucks. Yogurt is rather sour. i mean it even looks curdy. kinda gross... so i added a spoonful of raspberry jam, sprinkled some sugar over and ya, its edible now.
I am watching season2 of Prison Break and I just need to rant about it. Its an excellent, excellent drama. The plot development is superb. I am totally hooked. In fact, al i do as soon as i reach home, is to watch Prison Break. I actually look forward to coming home because of Prison Break. But now, I think i have to sleep. Leaving the last episode for tomorrow. The thing is, how can Lincoln Burrows be caught again??? Isn't the entire chase by the FBI for him?
you'll remember me when the west wind moves among the fields of barley. You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky...
ok start slow. don't want to get any injuries. its really quiet tonight. Oh lamp is broken. kinda creepy. hmm.. i smell food. smells like oyster omelette. Maybe i shld get dinner from the market on the way back later. think i should cross the road soon. heh... short break while waiting for traffic to clear. Ok off we go! wow... that a lot of trees. with ferns. pretty. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, think i should watch where i'm going... think its going to be a long stretch here... only 1 bus stop along this road? hmmm... need to control breathing. breathing too fast. deep breaths. ok slowly... wow its making me kinda tired. i wonder if i am breathing correctly... oh people... family blocking the way. side step onto the grass... eeks, its rather muddy. pain in the right knee.. ok careful... wonder where this road leads to... oh nvm. time to do some jetes. Right, 1, 2, 3, left. should stretch more. but i am tired. ok righ, 1, 2, 3, left, right, left right left. oh jogger... male.. not very good looking. sighs... never have i met gorgeous joggers before. most of them are rather chubby... lets over take that guy in front. speed up.... almost over. maybe i should stop at gillman...
so she took her love for to gaze a while among the fields of barley. you'll forget the sun in his jealous sky as we lie in fields of gold
think i got the lyrics wrong. darn.
I never make promises like this there are some that i have broken but i swear in the days that remain, we'll walk in fields of gold
wats that line about "lover so" or something... darn, uphill... 2 guys ahead. will try to pass on the right. made it. NTUC is opened... stitch. ouch. on the right... stop... breath deeply. stretch... ok run. hmm downhill.. great. but think there is an uphill soon. Left hip feels a little weird. coming loose. it happens. sometimes. almost done. think i can stop soon. just before safra. oh well not that tired. lets continue... i don like giving up. legs are really tired. don think i can sprint the last bit. ok stop. phew... i need to do some stretching.... ------------ still thirsty.
We talk of life as if it is under our control. From young, we are faced with the question of "what do you want to be when you grow up?" We assume that that happens. Later in life, we start thinking of the future, we plan for a family etc etc, All these on the assumption that life goes on. the truth is, we all want to live. Self preservation. To see our dreams fulfilled. All that planning simply should not go to waste.
Sometimes, tragedy can strike. Accidents or diseases which can rob your quality of life. I have always been fascinated by the story of HM, who having had a part of is brain removed, can never form new memories. He is an aging man stuck in the mind of someone in his 20s. And i often wonder, what kind of life is that?
How about someone suffering from early onset Alzheimer's disease. That person is simply a living organic mass without a sense of self, a sense of time or in fact a sense of anything at all. This isn't life.
I am getting all melancholic and broody because I hate to see my grandmother suffering life. Just because her heart is still beating doesn't mean that she is living. The last time she was honestly lucid was more than 2 years ago, before her stroke. After that, her condition has been deteriorating. She had a 2nd stroke which no one knew because she just wasn't able to communicate. I know my grandmother as a woman with loads of pride. She likes being independent, she likes being useful. even at the age of 80, she insisted on cooking for the family. She takes walks in the park. She waters the plants in the evenings, she climbs the stairs of the 2-storey house to make offerings to her various deities twice a day. etc etc. To see her in such a state pains me. Seriously. And to touch her, its worse. To feel her very fragile bones, so small, so weak, makes me want to crumble. Its depressing. I can't face her without hating life. Without wishing that she should really just go. And then i hate myself for thinking this way though i think its the best for her.
There is no point in having an empty shell, as an excuse for life. Moreover, its a really unhappy shell. Euthanasia, ought to be allowed.
So sometimes, i just think that there really isn't much i want to do on the web anymore. I use to be so enthralled by it, loved the ease of retrieving almost any information i want, and loved to spend my time reading up on almost anything! It was such a learning avenue. And i enjoyed it.
Lately though, I don't feel this way anymore. I have the links to the News, current affairs, nature etc etc and I don't feel like reading them anymore. It feels as if my brain is stagnating. And all this information suddenly seems threatening, scary.
Then, i discovered YouTube. Ok, i've known of its existence for quite some time but just never really use it. I've seen some videos from there but thats it. Just a few days ago, i suddenly decided to search "ballet" at YouTube, and I pretty much got hooked. I mean to see dances, ballet, its actually VERY inspiring. I wished that i had those super strong legs to do those stuff en pointe, i wished that I had those inhuman bodies which has such high extensions. Those more almost 180deg arabasque lines, etc etc. And I know that that is never going to be me. dance is indeed something you start young, at least if you want to do it as a career. For me, its just some thing i do for leisure, for health, and something i enjoy. Its the difficulties that makes it appealing actually. That I have to try so hard, and push myself so hard to strengthen, lengthen, and feel the lines, is what makes ballet so interesting to me. Watching classical stuff is nice, but i very much prefer choreography with a modern touch to it. something like this which i have watched a couple of times already.
She is like 3 years younger than me but just look at her! I think she is quite pretty too. My teacher says that dancing makes you pretty, makes you look youthful too. I wonder how that can be true for me considering how often my face naturally contorts when i have to do those very painful stretching exercises! This is another solid performance. And with sting on the guitar!
I love watching ballets. Maybe its because I can understand how difficult the seemingly effortless movements are. Or maybe its because the lines dancers create with their bodies are just so beautiful. I realised also, that as much as people love to see pointe work, I find that after some time, pointe work doesn't seem that interesting anymore. Instead, I love to watch male dancers. First of all, as any straight female, how can I not gawk at their almost perfect bodies? Male ballet dancers seriously have such awesome bods. You can see every little muscle through their tights. Some people tell me that its rather distracting/disgusting to watch them because of the package bulging in between. But really, there are way better stuff to admire. I mean the 'package' isn't that interesting because every male has that too, but not every guy has such a great body. i rather just stare at the latter, and drool or something. On a more serious note, i just like to watch male dancers more because they are the very epitome of strength and grace. They just somehow manage to make their movements look so strong, and yet fluid, graceful at the same time. Its so beautiful to watch. Granted that for females, a lot of strength is required too but its usually masked. when you watch a ballerina on pointe, they look so light and graceful that you forget how much effort it takes to do all that. Thats the point. They have to make it look effortless. The males don't.
I just watched Stuttgart ballet perform Romeo and Juliet. Its like the best ballet i've watched in my entire life. The dancers were wonderful, the music was good, i like the props and the costume. The choreography was interesting. I can't think of anything bad about it. But oh well, maybe i am easily impressed. I've watched only one other Romeo and Juliet and that was by the royal russian ballet. i prefer stuttgart's.
Jason Reilly was awesome. I think i have a crush on him now. sighs
