my angst
Religion is a subject which i have a lot of angst with. Especially Christianity.I find it hard to even talk about why i feel this way about it.
I probably hate how it was indoctrinated in me from young.
I hate how it was forced on me when i was in my teens.
I hate the aggressive tactics used to convinced non-believers
I hate how other religions are deemed insignificant just because John3:16 said that Jesus is the only way. (what if it was a typo? What is he was drunk while writing that?)
I hate how unacceptable other religions are. (since there is only one way, every other religion is surely not!! If you watch Southpark, you will know that "Mormon is the way")
i hate how blind faith can be.
I hate how this blindness is associated with war throughout history.
And how this is accepted as a test of faith.
I have issue with all these. And maybe more. And the most ironic thing of all, is how i use to be one of these aggressive people. How many people i have led to christ. And sometimes, i wonder if i had done them a great wrong. On the brighter side, i do know of at least one friend who is extremely happy. He even met his wife through some church activity. [i talked to Jon about this before, and i mentioned that when Jesus talks about paradise/heaven, maybe he isn't talking about an afterlife. Maybe he is talking about the here and now. I wonder if there is any correlation between happiness and religiosity]
And for the longest time, i feel so much grievance towards religion.
I even hated that i was a part of it once.
More recently, i guess maybe it has something to do with age and mellowing, I am actually trying to find my peace with Christianity. I realised that its not easy letting go when i grew up with it. Its a part of my life, my history. I started my catholic school days with prayers, ended with more prayers. what about those we said before and after every meal? What about those times we sang and cried our hearts out during/after mass? Those IJ hugs that were supposedly about love and forgiveness? We were taught about Jesus, the saints, the sacrificial love, all the good things that religion was meant to be. What happened to all that?? (wars, battles, pain, suffering, death, cruelty). Where is the love?
I have given up on hating christianity. Its too tiring. Despite all the bad stuff that have come from it, there was good stuff too. I see it doing good in the lives of people around me. I see mission trips that were actually helpful. I see the love. And i think thats really great.
I accept that we all have our own way of cultivating so-called spirituality. I would like to think that i am an atheist but as times goes by, i find that really hard. Or maybe Dawkins will claim that i am a lost cause, having been completely indoctrinated in the belief from a young age. I don't know.
There is so much good i want to do. So much love i want to see in this world. But on most days, i go through too much anguish when i read the news. So much pain and suffering out there.
I used to get depressed reading the news. I used to cry reading war stories. Yes, i am a bag of tears. At the end of the day, maybe i am a closet catholic. Of course i believe that a guy named Jesus lived a long time ago, that he died at the hands of some vindictive people. I don't know how that will save everyone but apparently, he thinks so. I am not too sure that he resurrected but lets assume he did and hey thats cool too. We get holidays from his birth and death (we are a sick race), sometimes we kill in his name (see, we are indeed sick). Most times, i like to think that we do good in his name. I still have problems coming to terms with John3:16. There are 4 gospels, all pretty inconsistent. And if jesus being the only way came from just John, it unlikely true. Maybe the other 3 dudes said similar things too, i am just too ignorant to know.
posted by eline @ 12:22 AM
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